ARTEMUS 
WA  R   D 

CHARLES 
WILSON 


1 

iAste 


Written  during 
1858-1861  and 
printed  by  the 


807.73  Browne,  C.  P. 

B8l6L  y  Letters  of  Artemus 

/  Ward... 

67)4.6  v 


An  edition  of  one  hundred  and  nineteen  copies 

printed  in  the  month  of  June,  1900, 

this  being  number 


i  photograph  l.y  lames  F.  Ryder,  1857 


LETTERS 

OF 

ARTEMUS  WARD 

TO 

CHARLES  E.  WILSON 
1858-1861 


CLEVELAND 
THE   ROWFANT  CLUB 

MCM 


Introduction 


Introduction 

CHARLES  F.  BROWN  ("Arte- 
mus  Ward")  was  born  in 
Waterford,  Oxford  County,  Me.,  in 
1833.  After  obtaining  such  education 
as  the  schools  in  his  vicinity  afforded, 
he  went  to  Norway,  Me.,  to  learn  the 
printer's  trade.*  He  did  not  com 
plete  his  apprenticeship  there,  being 
of  a  roving  disposition.  He  worked 
for  a  time  in  a  printing  office  at 
Skowhegan  and  at  Gardiner,  Me.,  and 
later  drifted  down  to  Boston  where 
he  obtained  a  situation  in  the  com- 

*See  note  at  the  end  of  introduction. 
7 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


posing  room  of  the  Carpet-Bag,  pub 
lished  by  Benj.  P.  Shillaber  (Mrs. 
Partington.)  While  employed  in  this 
office  he  wrote  his  first  article  of  any 
pretensions,  and  shoved  the  copy 
under  Shillaber's  sanctum  door.  He 
was  very  much  gratified,  a  few  days 
later,  to  see  the  copy  come  into  the 
composing  room  to  be  "set  up";  and 
being  thus  encouraged  he  wrote 
another  article  which  he  told  me  was 
rather  historic  in  character,  making 
no  attempt  to  be  funny.  Neither  of 
the  articles  was  signed,  but  Shillaber 
was  satisfied  that  they  were  written 
by  someone  in  the  office,  and  accord 
ingly  made  inquiries  resulting  in 
Brown's  acknowledging  that  he  wrote 
them.  Shillaber  patted  him  on  the 
back,  metaphorically  speaking,  told 
him  he  manifestly  had  ability,  and 


8 


encouraged  him  to  make  literary 
work  a  study  and  profession.  After 
leaving  the  Carpet-Bag  office  he 
tramped  west,  bringing  up  after  a 
while  at  Cincinnati,  where,  I  think, 
he  worked  for  a  short  time  on  one  of 
the  Cincinnati  papers.  Noticing  one 
day  an  advertisement  in  one  of  the 
local  papers,  "School-teacher  wanted" 
from  some  small  place  over  in  Ken 
tucky,  not  far  from  Cincinnati,  he 
answered  it  and  secured  the  position, 
but  only  taught  the  school  one  week. 
There  were  several  big  boys  in  the 
school,  and  he  learned  from  local 
gossips  that  these  young  toughs  had 
licked  every  schoolmaster  that  had 
attempted  to  "keep  school"  there  for 
several  years  previous.  As  Brown 
was  not  very  robust  and  had  never 
learned  the  manly  art  of  self-defense, 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


he  concluded  that  the  climate  of  that 

Kentucky  village  would  not  exactly 

Letters  of     suit  him.     At  the  close  of  school  Fri- 


Artemus 


day  night  he  packed  his  scanty  ward- 

Ward 

robe  in  an  old  fashioned  carpet-bag, 
and  without  waiting  to  collect  his 
week's  salary,  he  started  early  Sat 
urday  morning  for  Cincinnati.  He 
did  not  remain  there  long,  however, 
but  pushed  along  up  the  Cincinnati, 
Hamilton  and  Dayton  R.  R.,  stopped 
a  short  time  in  Dayton  and  from 
thence  on  to  Springfield,  where  he 
obtained  a  situation  as  compositor, 
remaining  there  several  weeks.  His 
next  stopping-place  was  at  Toledo, 
where  he  obtained  a  situation  as  a 
market  reporter  on  the  Toledo  Com 
mercial.  It  was  on  this  paper  that 
his  work  as  a  writer  really  com 
menced.  When  James  D.  Cleveland 

10 


left     the    Plain    Dealer    to    become 
assistant  clerk  of  the   United    States 
District  Court,  we  cast  about  to  find     Letters  of 
someone   to  succeed   him.     We   had        " 

Ward 

noticed  some  of  Brown's  items  in  the 
Commercial,  and  at  Mr.  Gray's  sug 
gestion  I  wrote  him,  offering  him  the 
position  of  local  editor  on  the  Plain 
Dealer  at  ten  dollars  a  week.  He 
accepted  the  offer  and  came  to  Cleve 
land  at  once.  This  was  I  think  in 
1857  or  '58.  He  did  not  write  his 
first  Ward  letter  until  he  had  been  on 
the  Plain  Dealer  a  year  or  more. 
This  letter  was  copied  by  newspapers 
generally  all  through  the  country, 
which  encouraged  him  to  write  suc 
ceeding  ones. 

CHAS.  E.  WILSON. 

Hartford,  Conn.,  March  3,  1900. 


n 


Note 


Note 

(Copy  of  a  communication  from 
Dr.  J.  C.  Gallison  of  Franklin,  Mass., 
to  the  Norway  (Maine)  Advertiser — 
the  newspaper  on  which  Chas.  F. 
Brown  (Artemus  Ward)  learned  to 
set  type.  Dr.  Gallison  was  contem 
porary  with  Brown  as  an  apprentice 
in  the  Advertiser  office. ) 

October  4,  1895. 
ARTEMUS  WARD'S  "DEN." 

Dear  Advertiser:  —  I  was  very  much  inter 
ested  in  Dr.  Bradbury's  account  of  the  life  of 
Artemus  Ward  in  Norway. — And  right  here  let' 
me  express  my  appreciation  of  the  Doctor's  won 
derful  sketches  of  "Norway  in  the  Forties." 
I  have  read  them  with  unflagging  interest, 


ever  increasing  wonder  at  their  accuracy  and 

evidences  of  painstaking  research. —  A  labor  of 

love  surely,  but  one  whose  results  should  be 

Letters  of      preserved  in  a  more  permanent  form  than  in 

Artemus       the  columns  of  a  weekly  newspaper.     The  old 

Ward      residents  of  the  town  owe  a  debt  of  gratitude 

to  the  author  of  "Norway  in  the  Forties." 

I  was  much  amused  by  the  Doctor's  des 
cription  of  the  little  dingy  room  occupied  by 
"Artemus"  in  the  old  Advertiser  office. 
How  well  I  recollect  the  room  !  It  was  for  a 
long  time  my  "den"  in  Norway  while  printer's 
devil  in  the  now  famous  printing  office. 

A  rickety  old  cord  bedstead,  rheumatic 
and  complaining;  a  straw  "tick"  of  very 
ancient  lineage, —  the  very  one  upon  which 
"Artemus"  reposed  his  lengthened  limbs;  a 
bottomless  chair;  a  fragment  of  "looking 
glass"  pasted  upon  the  wall;  a  bottle  or  two 
for  candle  sticks,  made  up  the  furnishing  of 
the  room.  The  remaining  space  was  occupied 
by  a  large  table  or  bench,  upon  which  was  kept 
the  spare  paper  for  job  work  and  the  Advertiser 
for  the  coming  week;  disabled  old  "galleys," 
ancient  "cases,"  the  "hell-box,"  the  "ribs 
and  trucks"  of  a  defunct  hand  press, — over 
which  we  tumbled  dark  nights, —  filled  the  lit 
tle  room  until  there  was  barely  space  enough 
for  the  repose  of  the  lamps  of  the  office ! 


16 


I  well  recollect  a  visit  made  to  the  Adver 
tiser   office    by   "Artemus"  and   his  brother, 
( Cyrus,    I    think, —  was  he  not   editor  of  the 
New  Bedford  Standard?)    As  a  boy  I  neglected       Letters  of 
my  "stick"  and  "copy"  to  listen  to  the  rich,       Artemus 
rare  and  racy  fun  of  the  brothers,  sitting  in  the       Ward 
corner  sanctum  of  "Boss"  Millett,  who  was  by 
no  means  slow  in  contributing  his  share  of  the 
quiet  humor  and  brilliant  wit. 

The  whole  office  was  in  an  uproar  of  broad 
laughter ;  and  I  can  see  the  genial  Charlie 
Thompson,  the  foreman,  his  long  figure  con 
vulsed  with  merriment!  "Artemus"  was 
extremely  droll,  but  to  my  mind,  the  brother, 
with  his  drawling  voice  and  quaint  humor, 
was  many  laps  ahead  ! 

It  was  about  this  time  that  Mark  H.  Dunnell 
was  a  candidate  for  representative  to  the  Legis 
lature  from  Norway.  He  made  the  "speech  of 
his  life"  one  evening  in  Denison's  Hall,  in 
which  he  set  forth  in  lurid  colors  the  fearful 
condition  of  the  country  in  general,  and  of  Nor 
way  in  particular !  One  of  the  brothers  Brown 
—  Cyrus  (?)  I  think,  but  may  have  been  "Arte 
mus," —  reported  the  speech  for  the  Advertiser. 
A  more  telling  adverse  report  was  never  written. 
It  abounded  in  ridicule,  rollicking  fun,  and 
side-splitting  jokes.  It  convulsed  the  town, 
and  came  near  defeating  the  doughty  Mark ! 


PLAIN  DEALER,  July  23,  1858. 
DEAR  CHARLEY : 

I  have  nothing  to  write  about, 
which  accounts  for  my  writing,  for  if 
I  had  anything  particular  to  write 
about,  it  would  be  just  like  me,  as 
you  know,  not  to  write.  All  right, 
anyhow. 

We  are  getting  along  finely,  both 
at  the  chateau  and  the  office.  George 
takes  hold  of  business  readily,  and  is 
doing  firstrate.  Of  course  we  all  miss 
you  vastly,  but  we  derive  consolation 
in  the  belief  that  you  are  picking  up 
at  the  rate  of  about  four  pounds  and 


a  half  a  day,  and  that  you  are  enjoy 
ing    yourself    amazingly    well.      So 

Letters  of      mote  it  be. 


Artemus 


By   the  way  I  don't  see  how  you 

Ward 

can  do  all  you  have  to  do  in  two 
weeks,  and  if  I  were  you  I  would 
extend  the  trip  a  week  or  so  longer 
than  you  calculated.  I  am  sure  your 
wife  takes  this  view  of  it.  It  is  none 
of  my  business,  and  that  is  why  I 
speak  of  it.  I  should  take  my  time, 
and  rest  assured  we  will  try  hard  to 
keep  things  straight. 

Everything  is  excessively  dull. 
The  city  seems  to  be  rapidly  subsiding 
into  a  sort  of  cow  pasture,  and  will, 
I  think,  have  to  be  fenced  in  soon. 
Briggs  is  all  right,  alternating  as 
usual  between  gushing  gaiety  and 
graveyard  glumness.  The"Nevvy" 
has  found  out  all  about  squares  and 


that  sort  of  thing,  and  converses 
thereon  in  a  startlingly  dignified  man 
ner.  Your  wife  is  quite  well — so  are  Letters  of 

Cordelia  and  Young.     As  for  myself,        " 

Ward 

I  can  truly  say,  in  the  admired  lan 
guage  of  David  Copperfield,  that  I 
was  "neverberrer."  F.  W.  goes  to 
Superior  next  week.  Drop  us  a  line 
telling  how  you  feel,  "and  also  any 
other  information  of  a  commercial 
and  agricultural  interest." 
Truly  Yrs.  ever, 

C.  F.  BROWN. 


II 


II 


LIMA,  OHIO,  Dec.  7th,  1860. 
DEAR  CHARLIE  : 

Send  all  letters,  papers,  etc.  that 
may  have  come  to  me  to  me  at  Rus 
sell  House,  Detroit,  immediately.  I 
presume  Vanity  Fair  has  sent  you 
$20.  Please  write  me  at  Detroit 
immediately,  giving  all  the  news. 
Have  had  a  first-rate  time,  but  may 
want  you  to  send  that  on  soon.  Will 
see  at  Detroit,  and  will  write  you 
from  there. 

Ever  yours, 

C.  F.  BROWN. 


Ill 


Ill 

DETROIT,  Dec.  llth,  1860. 
Dr-  CHARLIE  : 

Your  favor  with  several  other 
favors  reached  me  this  evening,  and 
were  most  gladly  read.  A  man  don't 
know  how  good  letters  are  until  he  is 
among  strangers,  tho.  I  am  scarcely 
among  strangers  after  all.  I  find 
friends  all  around — enthusiastic  ones. 
Here  they  are  very  numerous. 

I  suspected  Griswold  would  succeed 
into  getting  in  the  P.  D.  He  is  quite 
welcome.  I  have  no  jealousy.  Twice 
the  salary  would  not  induce  me  to 
return  now,  believe  me.  Griswold, 

31 


Stow  and  the  Deacon!     My  God! — 

but  fortunately  they  can't  trouble  me. 

Letters  of     My  heart  bleeds  for  you.     I  heard  of 

Artemus  ,  •, 

a  man  once  who  was  shut  up  among 
Ward 

a  party  of  dangerous  lunatics  and 
idiots,  but  his  case  wasn't  a  circum 
stance  to  yours. 

Vanity  Fair  should  send  you  $20. 
I  shall  write  him  again.  I  think 
Derby  &  Jackson  will  publish  for  me. 
Since  I  left  Cleveland  I  have  had  sev 
eral  overtures  from  N.  Y.  publishing 
houses — or  rather  I  found  letters  from 
several  on  my  arrival  here.  I  shall 
go  on  in  about  a  month — perhaps 
less. 

I  have  a  letter  from  my  mother. 
She  is  deeply  afflicted,  as  I  antici 
pated,  and  her  troubles  are  more  nor 
what  she  can  endure.  She  has  been 
this  way  before  and  I  guess  she'll 

32 


come  out  all  straight.     She  says  she 

hasn't  received  a  single  paper  I  sent 

her   containing  accounts  of   my  pre-     Letters  of 

sentation,  &co.     For   God's  sake,  if      „/*""* 

Ward 

you  love  me,  send  her  a  Leader,  Plain 
Dealer  and  Herald  what  had  said 
accounts.  Direct  Mrs.  Caroline  E. 
Brown,  Waterford,  Oxford  County, 
Maine.  She  says  my  papers  proba 
bly  went  to  Waterville,  which  I  can 
not  understand.  Please  get  the  di 
rection  right.  I  am  troubling  you 
much  but  will  repay  if  I  ever  can. 

I  paid  Hoyt  a  day  or  two  before  I 
left.  I  am  certain  of  this.  I  regret 
to  say  that  his  recollection  is  not  very 
clear  in  regard  to  matters  of  this  kind. 
I  borrowed  $2.00  of  him  once  but 
when  I  went  to  pay  him  he  said  he 
had  never  loaned  it  to  me !  I  suc 
ceeded  in  forcing  it  upon  him.  He 

33 


*.-  IE- 


can  sculp  first  rate  but   his  memory 

fails  him  in  money  matters.     As  for 

Letters  of     McGuire  tell  him  the  Panic  has  got 

Artemus  and  th   t  j     j    t  worth  a  rf— d  Or  a 

Ward 

dollar.     Tell  him  there  is  some  mis 
take  about  it. 

I  have  advertised  Dodge  big  here. 
He  told  me  to  sink  one  hundred  and 
fifty  dollars  and  have  sunk  it.  If  any 
body  can  sink  a  hundred  and  fifty  dol 
lars  quicker  than  I  can,  I  should  like 
to  see  him.  In  some  respects  this  trip 
will  do  me  good.  I  feel  more  healthy 
and  I  have  formed  many  valuable 
acquaintances.  I  will  write  you  again 
from  Jackson  or  'long  there  some 
where.  I  shall  write  to  "Vanity  Fair" 
at  once,  about  money.  Love  to  Less. 
Who  copies  the  Wards  in  the  Plain 

Dealer?         „  „     , 

Ever  yours  Truly, 

C.  F.  BROWN. 

34 


IV 


IV 

CHICAGO,  Dec.  22/50. 
DEAR  CHARLIE  : 

I  have  cut  loose  from  the  "  Concert 
business."  I  packed  Dodge's  bag 
gage  very  carefully  at  Niles  yester 
day,  had  it  safely  stored  away  sub 
ject  to  his  order,  wrote  him  that 
sickness  in  my  family  demanded  my 
immediate  presence  at  home,  and 
came  on  here  last  night.  On  the  cars 
I  encountered  the  Chicago  Academy 
of  Science,  some  100  ladies  and  gen 
tlemen,  who  were  returning  from  an 
excursion  to  Ann  Arbor.  They  made 
an  immense  splurge  over  me  and 

37 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


elected  me  an  honorary  member  of 
the  society  amidst  "loud  applause." 
I  returned  thanks  in  a  "few  brief 
remarks."  The  Chicago  papers  will 
doubtless  have  accounts  of  it.  The 
Society  is  composed  of  eminent  geo 
logists,  astronomers,  etc. —  first-rate 
people.  Devilish  pretty  girls  among 
them  too.  I  go  to  Pittsburgh  on 
Monday  —  thence  to  Philadelphia  and 
thence  to  New  York.  I  have  money 
enough  for  the  present  but  may  want 
you  to  send  on  the  "Vanity  Fair" 
fund  (I  take  it  for  granted  Stephens 
has  sent  you  pay  for  three  letters)  at 
Pittsburgh.  I  will  write  you  from 
that  place.  Just  write  me  at  once, 
please,  at  Pittsburgh,  care  of  "Chron 
icle"  office,  giving  all  the  news,  but 
don't  send  the  money  until  I  write 
for  it. 


You  know  what  a  vindictive  devil 
Dodge  is  and  I  expect  he  will  raise 
a  jolly  breeze  over  my  leaving  him, 
tho.  I  can't  see  wherein  I  have  acted 
dishonorably.  I  rely  on  your  assis 
tance  in  setting  me  right  before  my 
Cleveland  friends,  provided  Dodge 
(as  he  may)  tries  to  make  them  think 
I  acted  dishonorably  toward  him. 
But  the  folly  —  the  madness,  of  con 
tinuing  with  him  grew  every  day 
more  and  more  apparent,  and  I  deter 
mined  to  cut  loose  at  all  hazards.  If 
he  is  wise  he  will  be  satisfied  with  the 
explanation  I  gave  him.  All  this  is 
of  course  strictly  confidential,  between 
you  and  me. 

I  have  had  a  nice  time  during  my 
trip.  Have  made  many  valuable 
friends,  seen  a  new  and  splendid  coun 
try,  and  picked  up  withal  numerous 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


39 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


good  things.  My  last  letter  in  "  Van 
ity"  (  "Seeing  Forrest"  )  was  rather 
flat,  but  I  think  my  next  one  will  be 
fair.  It  should  appear  next  week. 

How  are  things  in  Cleveland  ? 
What's  the  news  generally  ?  Love  to 
Less  —  be  sure  and  write  me  at  Pitts 
burgh  on  receipt  of  this  —  and  believe 
me 

Ever  yours,  Truly 

CHARLES  F.  BROWN. 


4o 


V 


Office  of  VANITY  FAIR 

113  Nassau  Street 
LOUIS  H.  STEPHENS,  Publisher  for  the  Proprietors. 

NEW  YORK,  Jan.  9,  1861. 
DEAR  CHARLIE: 

The  letter  I  sent  you  several  days 
since  doubtless  reached  you  and  I 
hope  to  get  an  answer  shortly.  I 
now  write  to  ask  you  to  hunt  up,  cut 
out  and  send  me  my  burlesque  des 
cription  of  the  play  of  "John  Brown," 
which  was  brought  out  about  a  year 
since,  I  think  at  the  Cleveland  Theater. 
Send  also  in  same  letter  the  check 
Stephens  sent  to  you.  I  want  to  bank 

43 


Letters  of 
Artemus 

Ward 


an  even  hundred  here  as  a  resevre 
fund,  and  find  I  am  short  that  amount. 
My  book  will  positively  appear  in 
the  Spring,  published  by  Derby  & 
Jackson,  498  Broadway,  and  unques 
tionably  the  best  house  in  the  city. 
They  sent  their  agent  to  me  almost 
as  soon  as  I  reached  the  city,  and 
to-day  I  had  an  interview  with  Mr. 
Derby.  I  have  not  closed  with  him 
but  he  speaks  in  the  most  encouraging 
manner  of  the  enterprize,  and  they  all 
tell  me  he  will  make  me  a  good  offer. 
From  his  anxiety  to  publish  for  me  I 
am  confident  he  regards  the  success  of 
the  book  a  sure  thing.  I  showed  him 
Hoyt's  illustrations  and  he  said  they 
were  capital  —  better  far  than  those  in 
"Vanity  Fair."  Tell  Hoyt  this.  It 
was  a  very  high  compliment,  as  Derby 
is  confessedly  at  the  head  of  the  book 
business  here. 


44 


I  am  all  right.  Get  along  just  as 
easy  as  rolling  off  a  log.  I  dare  not 
tell  you  all  the  fine  things  that  have 
happened  to  me,  for  fear  you  may 
think  I  blow,  but  I  certainly  start  out 
here  under  brilliant  auspices.  Instead 
of  asking  favors  they  are  offered  to 
me.  Hence  a  situation  was  offered 
me  by  Vanity  Fair  and  Derby  made 
extra  efforts  to  get  me  to  promise 
my  book  to  him.  This  is  pleasant. 

By  the  way  Vanity  Fair  is  set  up 
by  girls,  and  printing  office  is  next 
to  the  editorial  office.  They  are  dev 
ilish  fine  girls,  and  I  took  two  of 
them  to  Bryant's  last  night,  but  I  am 
a  man  of  strict  honor. 

Write  soon. 

Ever  Truly  Yours, 

C.  F.  BROWN. 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


45 


P.  S.      Your    letter    has    come    to 
hand.      It    is    utterly    unaccountable 
Letters  of     to  me  why  Gray  should  have  any  ill- 
feeling  towards  me.     But  let  it  slide. 

Ward 

Thank  you  for  letter  to  Brown. 
Shall  see  him  sure.  Since  writing 
the  above  I've  seen  Derby  again.  He 
wants  to  see  the  "Three  Tigers  of  the 
Cleveland  Press."  Will  you  also 
hunt  that  up  and  send  it.  I  am  a 
heap  of  trouble,  I  know,  but  can't 
help  it.  Will  do  as  much  for  you  if 
ever  I  can. 


46 


VI 


VI 

Office  of  VANITY  FAIR 

113  Nassau  Street 

NEW  YORK,  Jany.  22—1861. 
DEAR  CHARLIE 

Your    favor    with    "draughts"    & 

money  is  at  hand 

I  am  now  rooming  with  the  pub 
lisher  of  V.  F.  at  No.  28  East  28th 
St.  We  have  a  parlor,  bath-room, 
closets,  fire,  gas  and  breakfast  sent  to 
room  for  $4.  a  week  each.  Our  din 
ners  we  get  down  town,  a  shilling  get 
ting  a  beefsteak  pie  or  a  piece  of 
good  "baked  beef."  The  accomoda- 
tions  at  East  28th  St.  are  really  fine, 

49 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


and  better  I  imagine  than  could  be 
had  in  Cleveland  for  same  price.  I 
mention  these  things  so  that  if  you 
come  on  here  by  and  by  —  as  I  hope 
you  will,  come  to  the  office  and  go 
home  with  me.  I  can  keep  you  like  a 
fighting  cock  for  a  few  shillings  a 
day.  Such  beef  as  we  get  at  Crook 
&  Duffs  you  never  saw  since  God 
made  you. 

Tell  "Less"  I  got  his  letter  and 
papers  by  Express.  Thanks,  will 
write  him  soon.  He  is  your  Nephew 
and  a  ornament  to  his  sex.  I  see 
people  from  the  west  occasionally. 
They  come  up  to  the  office  in  large 
numbers  sometimes,  much  to  my 
sorrow  gratification. 

I'm  glad  Alphonso  is  exerting 
himself,  a  man  ought  to  for  $6.  a 
week. 


I  shall  go  to  Fall  River  Saturday 
night  by  boat  and  may  go  up  to 
Willimantic,  think  I  shall.  The  fac 
tory  owners  up  there  will  probably 
turn  out  and  receive  me  with  the 
Band. 

Write  when  you  get  time.  Give 
my  love  to  J.  B.*  Altho  an  English 
wretch  he  is  one  of  the  best  men  I 
ever  knew  and  I  hope  he  will  live  to 
expectorate  on  the  tombs  of  all  his 
enemies,  if  he  has  any. 

"  Ever  of  thee" 

A.  WARD. 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


*James  Brokenshire,   commercial   editor  of 
the  Plain  Dealer. 


VII 


VII 

NEW  YORK,  Feb.  2,  1861. 
DEAR  CHARLIE  : 

Your  last  came  duly  to  hand.  I 
haven't  seen  Brown  yet  —  called  once 
but  he  wasn't  in.  Shall  see  him 
sure. 

Tell  Jule  I  have  "gone  back  on" 
suppers,  the  vigorous  meals  I  absorb 
at  3  p.  m.  daily,  being  entirely  ade 
quate  for  my  sustenance.  I  "  reach 
for  the  bread"  just  as  I  did  in  the 
palmy  days  of  Wilson's  tavern,  and 
pour  out  my  own  tea  —  scalded  a 
waiter  the  other  night  pretty  bad,  but 
he  excused  me. 

55 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


I  go  east  first  of  March  to  see  Car 
oline.  Going  or  coming  I  shall  visit 
Willimantic.  Shall  go  to  "  Woosup  " 
likewise,  as  I  must  see  "Orry"  and 
Jenny.  [  My  sister  and  her  husband. 
—  C.  E.  W.] 

Caroline  is  getting  reconciled  to 
my  change  of  location.  Her  late  let 
ters  are  quite  cheerful. 

Now  I  blush  as  I  write  it  —  I  feel 
that  I  am  coming  it  altogether  too 
strong  on  you  —  but  do  hunt  up  my 
"Three  Tigers  of  the  Cleveland  Press" 
and  send  it  in  a  letter.  The  piece 
was  not  in  the  bundle  Less.  sent. 
The  piece  is  valuable  to  me.  In 
short,  without  the  piece  I  shall  be 
unhappy,  and  prithee  send  her  on. 
Set  some  of  the  boys  in  the  mailing 
department  to  work  hunting  it  up, 
and  my  children's  children  shall  lisp 


your  name   with   heartfelt    affection. 

Bully  Boy  !     As  I  was  quietly  taking 

some  coffee  and   cakes   with   Henry     Letters  of 

Ward  Beecher  at  Smith's  in  Chatham        " 

Ward 

street,  the  other  night,  after  the  Bow 
ery  was  out,  he  accidentally  alluded 
to  you.  "Wilson,"  says  he,  "is  a 
young  man  of  much  promise.  He  is 
a  good  bookkeepist  and  his  balance 
sheets  are  always  correct.  I  like 
Wilson."  He  also  spoke  of  Less, 
but  I  am  sorry  to  say  he  was  not 
very  complimentary.  "Lester,"  says 
Mr.  Beecher,  "will  come  to  the  gal 
lows  in  about  two  years  if  he  keeps 
on."  "What  do  you  think  of  Bro- 
kenshire,  Henry  ?"  says  I.  "A  good 
man,  Sir,"  said  Mr.  Beecher,  —  "A 
very  good  man  indeed,  tho'  he's  a 
d — d  Englishman."  On  getting  up 
Mr.  Beecher  insisted  on  allowing  me 


57 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


to  pay  for  the  coffee  and  cakes — 12 
cents. 

I  anticipate  considerable  fun  in  my 
forthcoming  trip  to  the  East,  tho.  my 
stay  will  necessarily  be  short. 

By  the  way,  love  to  the  ever 
blooming  Briggs.  Shall  write  him 
soon.  Did  he  get  the  516,000,000 
and  box  of  jewels  I  sent  him  the 
other  day  ? 

Send  the  "Tigers."  I  shall  soon 
cease  troubling  you  I  hope.  And 
now  farewell.  A  fond  embrace.  A 
few  natural  tears,  and  some  wild 
groans  !  There,  there,  it's  over  now. 
Adoo !  Adoo  ! 

Your'n  ever 

A.  WARD. 


VIII 


VIII 

NEW  YORK,  May  16th-  1861. 
DEAR  CHARLIE  : 

I  must  trouble  you  again.  Will 
you  forward  my  trunk  and  box  at 
once  by  U.  S.  express.  If  Barney  is 
still  identified  with  that  institution 
perhaps  he  can  "deadhead"  them 
through  for  me,  if  it  is  convenient 
for  you  to  see  him.  At  all  events, 
please  forward  at  once.  I  hate  to 
bother  you  but  there  is  no  one  else 
upon  whom  I  can  call. 

The  times  are  rather  severe  but  we 
shall  weather  the  gale.  My  publish- 

61 


Letters  of 
Artemus 

Ward 


ers  are  holding  the  "Ward"  book 
back  in  the  hope  of  better  times.  It 
would  be  folly  to  issue  it  now.  I  am 
now  the  managing  Ed.  of  "Vanity 
Fair"  and  my  duties  have  materially 
increased.  Contrary  to  my  expecta 
tion  and  hope,  I  shall  be  unable  to 
visit  the  West  this  season.  New 
York  is  severe  on  a  man's  feelings 
in  Summer  time,  but  I  think  of  tak 
ing  board  in  Rahway,  N.  J.,  for  the 
summer.  It  is  twenty  miles  distant, 
a  delightful  village,  and  abounds  in 
female  society  of  first-class  moral 
character,  the  refining  influence  of 
which  I  have  already  felt.  I  am 
popular  in  Jersey.  They  like  me  for 
my  winning  ways. 

I  am  making  influential  friends 
fast.  I  have  altered  my  views  of 
some  things  and  have  courted  the 


62 


friendship  of  men  whose  friendship  is 

worth  having.     I  have  eschewed  fast 

society  and  was  never  so   steady   in      Letters  of 

my    life.       Indeed.    I    am    compelled        " 

Ward 

to  be.  Promptness  and  faithfulness 
in  business  here  are  implicitly  de 
manded.  It  is  the  greatest  mistake 
in  the  world  to  suppose  that  a  man 
can  raise  the  d  —  1  in  New  York  and 
still  occupy  a  responsible  business 
position.  I  have  not  made  anything 
stunningly  gorgeous  in  the  way  of 
money,  but  I  believe  my  prospects 
are  good.  I  should  be  rejoiced  to 
see  you  here,  and  to  pay  back  a 
few  of  the  many  kindnesses  you 
have  shown  me  in  "the  happy  days 
agone." 

I  am  more  and  more  convinced 
that  I  acted  wisely  in  leaving  Cleve 
land.  I  had  accomplished  all  I  could 

63 


there.     It  is  a  wild,  mad  jumble  here, 
but    those    who    take    care    of  them- 

Letters  of     selves  usually  come  out  all  right. 
Artemus 


generally        i 

Ward 

sincerely  and  very  deeply  sympathise 
with  Brokenshire  in  his  great  mis 
fortune.  I  never  read  of  any  similar 
accident  which  affected  me  so  much. 
I  thought  of  writing  him  a  letter  of 
condolence  but  hesitated  for  fear  it 
might  be  out  of  place  to  do  so.  I 
respect  him  far  more  than  he  may 
have  been  led  to  believe  by  my  eccen 
tric  bearing  towards  him.  He  is  a 
man,  and  I  have  often  envied  him 
the  noble  qualities  of  head  and  heart 
with  which  he  is  so  decidedly  gifted. 
You  must  sadly  miss  his  sunny  pres 
ence  in  the  office.  I  hope  he  is  im 
proving  fast  —  I  know  he  bears  it  gal 
lantly,  hopefully  —  like  a  true  man  as 

64 


he  is.  Will  you  do  me  the  favor  to 
tell  him  how  sincerely  I  sympathise 
with  him  ? 

I  suppose  Less,  is  with  you  yet,  or 
is  he  in  the  P.  D.?  He  seems  to 
have  forgotten  me.  Tell  him  either 
to  write  or  go  to  the  d  —  1. 

How's  J.  W.?  and  the  deacon  ?  and 
Gris  ?  Stow  and  the  rest.  I  see  Bon- 
ton  occasionally.  He  speaks  in  the 
most  flattering  manner  of  Gray. 

Please  attend  to  the  request  ex 
pressed  in  the  beginning  of  this  — 
write  a  good  long  letter  —  and  believe 
me 

Yours  Ever 

CHARLES  F.  BROWN. 


Letters  of - 

Artemus 

Ward 


LIBRARY  C?  T:-. 
WALT  D5SNEY  ST'J 


IX 


IX 

NEW  YORK,  May  24,  1861. 
DEAR  CHARLIE  : 

The  trunk  and  box  reached  me  all 
O.K.  yesterday.  I  am  very  much 
obliged  to  you.  It  didn't  occur  to 
me  when  I  wrote,  as  it  has  since, 
that  the  getting  of  the  things  to  the 
express  office  might  subject  you  to 
some  expense.  If  it  cost  anything 
send  "bill"  or  ch'g  till  I  see  you. 
I  have  bothered  you  a  good  deal,  and 
I  hope  you  understand  that  you  can 
draw  on  me  ad  libitum  for  any  favors 
I  can  do  you  here.  Will  tear  my 
shirt  for  you  if  necessary 

69 


Although   I   am   straight   as  a  string 

generally  my  passion  for  females  is 

Letters  of     alas  !    as  strong  as  ever,   and   I   fall 

in  love  with    a   rapidity  that  would 

Ward 

be  appalling  if  I  wasn't  so  well 
acquainted  with  myself.  Haven't  got 
into  any  scrapes  yet,  tho.  I've  had 
some  "narrer  scapes."  New  Jersey 
is  a  nice  place  and  if  you  will  come 
down  I'll  show  you  some  gay  females 
whose  parents  are  wealthy  and  live 
on  the  fat  of  the  land. 

New  York  is  beginning  to  scorch 
some.  Truly  say  it  is  blazing  hot 
here  in  the  summer.  So  I  shall  hie 
me  away  to  Jersey  ere  long,  amid 
flowers,  lambkins  and  the  pretty  little 
birds.  Well,  I  will,  hoss. 

Is  it  a  fact  that  Hoyt  the  sculpist 
has  gone  to  the  wars  ?  I  don't  know 
how  it  is,  but  something  within  tells 

70 


me,  in  a  still  small  voice,  that  I  am 
better  adapted  for  the  Home  Guard 
than  anything  else.  I  hope  to  hear  Letters  of 

,.  i  Artemus 

from  vou  soon,  and  am 

Ward 

Ever  Yours  Truly 

CHARLES  F.  BROWN. 


X 


NEW  YORK,  Sept.  26,  1861. 
DEAR  CHARLIE  : 

I  got  home  a  week  ago,  hale  and 
hearty.  I  was  in  Cortland,  N.  Y., 
four  days,  and  as  I  had  written 
Stephens  I  was  going  there,  he  sent 
me  $10  there  instead  of  at  Cleveland, 
though  I  had  not  requested  him  to 
do  so.  It  was  fortunate  he  did,  as  I 
should  have  been  broke.  I  am  forced 
much  against  my  inclination,  to  ask 
an  extension  on  the  money  you  loaned 
me  for  a  very  few  weeks.  A  few 
days  before  I  left  here  I  took  my 
money  from  the  bank  ( $100 )  and 
loaned  it  to  a  responsible  party  for 

75 


three  months,  and  I  have  nothing-  but 

my    salary  to  fall  back  upon.     In  a 

Letters  of     very   short   time  —  say   four  weeks  — 

Artemus       T        .„  .  „    ,  ... 

„.     ,     1  will  square  vour  ace  t.     But  if  you 

Ward  * 

must  have  it  before  then,  say  so,  and 
I  will  raise  it  for  you  or  perish  in  the 
attempt.  So  much  for  that.  I  feel 
first-rate.  My  trip  did  me  good.  I 
had  a  great  time  at  Cortland.  Every 
thing  was  lovely. 

New  York  is  lively  enough  for 
practical  purposes,  the  many  rumors 
to  the  contrary  notwithstanding. 

In  regard  to  those  orders  on  the 
Mercantile  and  Westchester,  I  have 
not  seen  the  latter  yet.  I  called 
on  the  former.  He  was  angry  and 
said  it  had  done  him  more  harm  than 
good.  Among  other  remarks  he  said 
"d  —  n  the  papers,  all  of  'em!"  I 
said  "Certainly,"  but  invited  his  atten- 

76 


tion  to  the  fact  that  his  signature 
was  attached  to  the  document  in  a 
regular  business  way,  and  that  I 
couldn't  well  perceive  how  he  could 
repudiate.  He  said  I  might  come 
and  board  it  out,  but  as  his  face  was 
flushed  with  anger,  I  don't  think  I 
shall.  I  am  afraid  he  would  make  it 
too  lively  for  me.  But  I  may  be  able 
to  sell  the  orders.  If  I  do  not  I  will 
enclose  them  to  you.  Please  do  not 
say  anything  about  my  being  your 
debtor.  Of  course  you  wouldn't,  but 
I  am  sensitive  on  these  matters.  If  I 
ever  start  on  another  pleasure  tour 
without  plenty  of  money  I  hope 
somebody  will  kick  me  in  the  rear 
severely.  Kind  regards  to  Jule,  Less, 
&c.  &  believe  me 

Yours  Ever 
Write  soon.  C.  F.  BROWN. 


Letters  of 

Artemus 

Ward 


77 


XI 


XI 

NEW  YORK,  Jan.  2,  1862. 
DEAR  CHARLIE  : 

I  got  your  letter  and  those  you  for 
warded  at  Pittsburgh.  From  Pitts 
burgh  I  went  to  Philadelphia,  where 
I  met  Dixey  of  Sanford's  troupe,  who 
made  me  stay  two  days  with  him  at 
his  house.  He  lives  in  elegant  style, 
has  a  nice  wife  and  little  girl,  and 
altogether  I  never  spent  a  happier 
two  days.  All  the  railroad  fare  I 
had  to  pay  between  Chicago  and  New 
York  was  75  cents  from  Brunswick, 
N.  J.  The  conductor  to  that  point 
"deadheaded"  me  at  the  special 

81 


request  of  S.  S.  Sanford,  "delineator 

of  negro  character."    So  you  see  it  is  a 

Letters  of     good  thing  sometimes  to  have  friends 

Artemus  «  .  ,,        T  ,  ,. 

'  among      nigger  singers.         in   addi 

tion  to  this  good  luck  I  must  mention 
that  Ed.  Bacon,  formerly  of  C.  &  P. 
R.  R.  and  now  general  ticket  agt.  at 
Pittsburgh,  gave  me  a  diamond  ring 
worth  $60  when  I  parted  with  him. 
Well,  here  I  am  at  last.  I  arrived 
at  4  o'clock  Tuesday  morning  and 
went  to  bed.  Got  up  at  1  and  went 
up  town.  Couldn't  see  anybody  and 
felt  blue.  Went  to  bed  early.  Got 
up  this  morning  and  went  to  "  Vanity 
Fair"  office.  Good  fellows  —  glad  to 
see  me.  Talked  ten  minutes  with 
them  and  made  a  permanent  engage 
ment  at  $20  a  week  as  one  of  the  edi 
tors  of  the  paper.  Mr.  Leland  is 
editor-in-chief.  First  rate  fellow,  I 

82 


judge.     I  am  to  be  there  promptly  at 
10  ock  a.  m.    and  go  away    at  half- 
past  three.     I  am  to  read  all  the  ex-     Letters  of 
changes    and    cut    out  everything  of        remu3 

Ward 

which  anything  can  be  made.  Am  to 
write  what  I  want  to  and  ''Wards" 
when  I  feel  like  it.  As  you  will  see 
this  will  consume  only  a  small  por 
tion  of  my  time,  and  I  can  doubtless 
make  ten  dollars  or  so  a  week  extra 
writing  for  other  papers.  At  least  I 
am  told  I  can.  I  shall  board  where 
I  now  am  ( the  Western  Hotel )  for 
the  present  —  $7  a  week  with  good 
room.  I  think  I  can  live  cheaper 
than  this  when  I  learn  the  ropes,  but 
the  landlord  is  a  particular  friend  of 
mine  and  will  treat  me  princely.  I 
am  already  on  the  free-list  at  the 
minstrels  and  circus.  Shall  "fetch" 
the  theaters  directly.  Shall  keep 

83 


away  from  the  harlots  for  the  pres 
ent,  as  I  satisfied  myself  in  this  re- 
Letters  of     spect  while  on  my  western  tour.      I 
have  thus  told  vou  all  about  myself! 

Ward 

I  am  certainly  a  lucky  cuss.  I  don't 
understand  it  myself,  but  it  is  so. 
Thing's  are  new  to  me  here  now,  and 
I  shall  proceed  cautiously.  But  as 
soon  as  I  get  started  I  will  make 
things  whiz,  so  to  speak.  I  intend 
to  know  everybody  on  Broadway  in 
about  six  months.  I  shall  withhold 
my  book  for  the  present,  until  the 
d  —  d  panic  subsides.  Have  you 
heard  from  Dodge  yet  ?  Is  he  "  howl 
ing"  anywhere,  yet?  I  shall  write 
him  a  long,  explanatory  letter  to 
morrow.  I  am  speaking  of  myself 
principally  in  this  letter,  I  see,  but  I 
know  you  feel  an  interest  in  my 
movements,  and  I  feel  so  elated  over 

84 


my  prospects  that  I  restrain  a  little 
self-glorification.  Give  my  love  to 
Less.  Tell  him  he's  a  splen-fellow 
in  legal  point  of  view.  I  heard  of 
him  in  a  foreign  land.  I  may  go  to 
Fall  River  in  a  few  weeks  to  see  my 
brother,  in  which  case  I  shall  go  over 
to  Connecticut  and  see  the  folks. 

Wont  you  have  this  published   in 
the  P.  Dealer  : 


Letters  of 
Art  emus 
Ward 


8f§f  CHARLES  F.  BROWN  —  This  gentle 
man,  widely  known  as  the  former  local  of 
this  paper,  has  at  last  reached  New  York 
and  joined  the  editorial  corps  of  Vanity 
Fair. 


As  I  don't  like  to  make  the  request 
myself,  I  will  feel  obliged  if  you  will 
copy  the  above  and  hand  it  in.  There 
are  several  reasons  why  I  don't  wish 
to  ask  a  favor  of  Griswold. 

85 


The     check     you     received     from 

Stephens  please  keep  until  I  call  for 

Letters  of     it.      Write    me    soon,    all    the  news. 

nus,     Kind  regards  to   Tule  and  the  baby. 

Ward 

and  believe  me 

Ever  Yours 

C.  F.  BROWN. 

(  Please  send  paper  to  me  contain 
ing  above  notice.) 


86 


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